I have never been one of the cool kids or part of the
popular crowd. Growing up I was way too
shy and introverted to even be noticed. As an adult, I’ve learned to mask my
shyness and play the social game when I have to. It is something that I do everyday and have
to work hard at.
In my life, I’ve been fortunate to have the opportunity to
assist my very social and popular partner raise her two girls. They are beautiful, sensitive and
intelligent. At 21 and 16 years of age, I am proud and in awe of the women that
they have become. On a side note, I’m also the proud mom of a 27-year-old son
who is married to my amazing daughter-in-law who are living and working in New
York City.
What I’m about to say may cause some of you to cringe, but
raising girls is very different than raising a boy. I’m not going to get into all the ways that
our society socializes the genders differently.
For arguments sake, let’s just say that this is my opinion garnered from
my observations. Throughout the years I
have learned so much from my stepdaughters.
I am changing their names to honor their request for privacy. Karen who is 21 often reminds me of myself as
she is very shy and tends to be introverted.
Like me, once she gets comfortable with a new situation and friends, you
would never know that she struggles in these areas, but getting there can be a
painful process. Throughout the years, I
often felt like I was looking in a mirror at myself feeling her pain as she
navigated life. There would be those
days when she would come home from school in tears over her struggle to fit in. One familiar story is how she was excluded at
lunchtime or didn’t have anyone to talk to.
Let’s be real here, when you don’t blend in, you’re an easy target for
the “Mean Girls”. This often
happened.
Jesse was very different than Karen. She is not as shy and can assimilate and fit
in with almost any group. When she was in junior high she made the conscious
decision to be one of the popular girls.
Sure enough, Jesse made it into “the club”. After about six months, she came home and
told us she couldn’t do it any more.
There were many things that went on that she didn’t like and she could
no longer be a part of the group. I’m
not going to go into the reasons why it didn’t work for her. I don’t want to stereotype the different
cliques that develop in school and life.
I think having different types of people and cliques is what makes the
world an amazing place; it would be so boring if we were all the same. Jesse is a smart young lady and she remained
friends with everyone just kind of fading back.
Today, she doesn’t claim to be a part of any group. She is friendly with everyone and likes her
downtime to herself.
Karen and Jesse would often say that they couldn’t wait to
be adults, so that they wouldn’t have to deal with games and cruelty that they
experienced and witnessed in school.
Which brings me to the point of this blog. As the girls faced these different struggles
over the years, I realized that for the most part, the “Mean Girls” grow-up to
be ……well, “Mean Girls”. They were not
happy to hear this. I assured them that
this did not apply to everyone. Some of
these girls will mature and grow up to be wonderful women. There will be a handful that will continue to
exhibit this same behavior as adults. After all, they’ve had so many years of
practice to perfect their “Mean Girls” skills. I know that as an adult I experienced this at
work and in different situations. In
fact, the PC term for this now is “bullying”.
I’m sure it will change to another word in years to come but right now,
“bullying” is the buzzword. There is even
a Workplace Bullying Institute. Why can’t
I think of these ideas? Damn.
I was able to share with Karen and Jesse a recent “Mean
Girls” experience that I had involving Facebook. Neither one of the girls are a fan of FB and
they tend to stay away from it. I told
them that, Yup, I’m probably considered one of those obnoxious people on FB
because I post a lot. I explained that
I’ve lived many different places as an adult, NYC, Indiana, Chicago, Georgia,
Italy, Upstate NY and now Arizona. FB
has been a wonderful vehicle that has enabled me to get back in touch with the
many different people I have met over my lifetime. We all know that before FB, it was hard to
keep in touch. You mean to keep in
touch, but life gets busy and time passes by.
So FB has changed that for me now being able to reconnect with so many
people. When I saw my Uncle Bill at my son’s wedding this past August, he told
me how much he loves keeping up with me on FB and seeing what we have been up
to in Arizona. It made me smile. I know other people see it as the Brag
Book. No, I don’t put my trials and
tribulations on FB. I’m at a point in my
life where I try to look at the positive in every situation. So, when I post a picture of Shirl and I in the
convertible loaner car from Mini that we were enjoying, I didn’t mention the
$2,500 repair bill that came along with it.
My life is far from perfect and no better than anyone else’s life. We’ve had many struggles and problems just
like everyone else. For me those struggles
and problems are private and I plan on keeping it that way.
There are these FB subscribers who mention these unwritten
rules about what, when and how often to post on FB. Well, I didn’t get the rulebook and the one
thing I know is that it is “my” FB. My
favorite is the private messages I get from friends from long ago who will ask
me if I looked at so and so’s FB page and saw how fat they are or some other
mean comment. Really, at this point in
life….REALLY?? I don’t get it at
all. Life is hard enough, when I see my friends
from my past on FB, I hope that life has been good to them, that they have
successfully weathered life’s ups and downs and that they and their families
are doing OK. So, I have picked up snide
comments between mutual friends about my posts on FB and selfies. Yes, when friends come to visit I love to take
a selfie with them to let them know how excited and privileged I am that they
took time out of their busy lives to come and visit us. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
you can block my posts and comments from coming on your FB feed. I know I’ve done it with some people for one
reason or another. Since you chose not to do that and instead make snide
comment on your feeds, I’ve had to use my delete button because negativity just
doesn’t fit in my life anymore. What’s
interesting is that these types are the ones who usually never post on FB. To me, there is nothing worse than a voyeur
on FB. We’re all different and your FB
is your own, so do what works best for you.
As Karen and Jesse reminded me, “Haters are gonna hate”. “FUCK THE HATERS and DELETE”. After 36 years of what I thought was a friendship it makes me sad.
