All Men Are Created Equal…Or are they? New York is considered the melting pot of the United States and from what I can see, it is at least in NYC. In this state, we are currently embroiled in a debate about marriage equality. Our elected officials will decide if same sex couples are entitled to marry and have all the rights, protections and benefits that come with marriage. In NY State, there are 1,324 rights, protections and benefits guaranteed by marriage. On the federal level there are 1,138 rights, protections and benefits guaranteed by marriage.
I grew up in a very traditional Italian family. You go to school, eat pasta at grandma’s house every Sunday at 1:00 PM, get a job working for NYC, marry, buy a home and furnish it with Early American furniture and have kids. Please note that graduating was not considered necessary, but preferred. I was born a rule follower who didn’t want to upset the status quo. So, I followed the rules in the proper order. I didn’t even think of living my life any other way. OK, I did go away to college, which was a new concept for my family at that time. Of course, my grandparents were upset that my parents were wasting money on a girl. Why spend so much money when I would be getting married and staying home? My mom will tell you it was the worse thing they ever did because I changed. Going to college made me realize that not everyone was Italian. Most people didn’t grow up living next to their cousins and Early American furniture wasn’t where it was at. This was news to me.
I graduated from college, moved back home, secured a job working for NYC, fell in love and married a brilliant nuclear chemist from Connecticut. See, I told you I was a rule follower. I eventually had my son and stayed home with him for 5 years while we resided in Italy. I did everything right. I even lived in the motherland. We were married for a long time before we eventually went our separate ways. There was no single reason, but rather a lot of reasons why it didn’t last. I wouldn’t change any of it. I was in love at that time and married my best friend. I have a wonderful son who is as brilliant as his father. He is 23 years old and I adore him. I have many wonderful memories and still can sit with the man I was married to at my son’s shows, have a beer, share some laughs and fond memories.
Fast forward to 2011, and I am happily married again except this time to a woman that I have been with for 11 years. Growing up, we carefully plan our lives, but you never know where life is going to take you. Getting here wasn’t an easy road and there was a price to pay. I knew from growing up that there would be. I’m not faulting my family; they were raised in different times.
I’m convinced that discrimination and ignorance are learned. I knew growing up how my family viewed gay people. It was OK to be a thief or an alcoholic, but gay was out of the question. So, when I first came out I didn’t get all that wonderful support from friends and family that I often read about such as “We still love you” and “As long as you’re happy, we’re happy.” The response I received was ”Go see someone and get this fixed”. It was a clear message that I was broken. It was a devastating and emotional blow that sent me into a tailspin and pushed me into the furthest corner of “the closet”. Of course, some family members did say they didn’t have a problem with the “gay thing”. Soon after, my phone stopped ringing and my world became very small. I’m not looking for a pity party. It’s just the way it was. But finally now, I’m living my life just the way I want and I am very happy.
We decided to marry in Canada because we wanted to symbolize our commitment to each other. We knew that our marriage would not be recognized in New York. When we decided to get married, we thought about having a party to celebrate, but decided against telling anyone except for a few supportive co-workers who made us feel very special. We decided to invite my mother to come with us, but she declined. That let us know that we made the right decision to go this alone. Neither one of us wanted to plan a big celebration and end up having it that no one would attend. Rejection is just too painful and we weren’t taking any chances on ruining this moment. It was the right decision for both of us at that time.
Honestly, when I was married before, I didn’t realize all the rights I had. I took them for granted. I don’t see my marriage now as being any different than my prior marriage. I don’t think to myself I’m with a woman, it’s different. Truthfully, we’re like every other traditional family on our block. We work, pay taxes, decorate the house (not with Early American furniture), cut the lawn, shovel the snow, worry about our kids, go to open school nights, spend our weekends driving kids to their events or having their friends over, try to catch a movie or a show with friends when we can. Its pretty much hot dogs, baseball, apple pie, and Chevrolet (well for us, make that a Mini Cooper and BMW).
There is a difference that isn’t noticeable to everyone. It is that we are denied the same rights, protections and benefits as heterosexual couples.
Marriage equality would afford us those benefits, protections and rights on a state level. It’s much more than that. It sends a message that we are all equal. I know the rejection I felt as an adult. Volunteering at the Harvey Milk School in NYC, I’ve met many kids who are homeless because they were kicked out of their homes based solely on their sexuality. Studies show that gay teen suicide attempts are four times that of heterosexual youth. The stories of bullying seem to be in the newspapers every day. When I was a child the possibility of being rejected by my family impacted my early decisions in life. Marriage Equality is essential for same sex couples to protect their rights. It is also sends a clear message that no ones love is above another’s love. While there are many sides to this debate the bottom line is DISCRIMINATION AND INEQUALITY ARE UNACCEPTABLE!
Click here for more information on Marriage Equality and the rights, protection and benefits of marriage.
